Thursday, December 22, 2005

Girls in Corridor

Doug's First Story
The labyrinth was long. Sara and Analisa met just inside the entrance.
"How did we get here?" Sara asked.
"I don't know either," Analisa answered.
"Me either, it's funny the last thing I remember I was with my boyfriend, Jason, he's so cute. We met at a rave for the football team and cheerleading squad. He doesn't even dye his hair. It's that black!..."
"Maybe we should walk along this corridor a while and see where it goes."
The pair started walking and by the third step, Sara offered "My ex-boyfriend, Johnny? What a dork. I'm totally over him. He was my boyfriend last summer before I met Jason. Thank god for small favors, you know? Johnny and me went to this movie once it was, like, totally freaky. You know, sci-fi or something? Whatever. These people were all running up and down corridors like this one? I mean, totally. It was like 'boop-boop intruder-alert! Intruder alert!" and they would run around with lazer guns and stuff acting all serious and everything, do you think we'll find like people with lazer guns in here?"
Analisa prayed that this was Logan's Run and not No Exit.

Viruswitch's Story
Kira is discussing loudly with "Seven of Nine" in the middle of a spaceship-corridor.

"Astrometric officer, this doesnt look like the "Voyager" corridor!"

"Correct, officer Kira, the spaceship looks ancient and abandonded. Even Deep space 9 is out of the question."

"Great, Kes chose the wrong time-space-continuum to beam us into. What are we going to do now?"

"I dont know. Lets just figure out the currect stardate anyway. There must be some kind of indication somewhere around here!"

"You know, this could be the "Enterprize". Just look at these ugly walls, dont they remind you something from the culture of the earth?"

"Your Bajoran intelligence astonishes me Kira, but I have served on the Enterprize, and this surely doesnt look like it. Where the hell is Earth anyway?"

"Oh well, forget it, we werent even born when they destroyed it."

"I am hearing steps, a hologram is coming. I will inquire the exact galaxial location!"

"Computer! Name our coordinates. "

"What? Who are you? Are you talking to me?"

"Computer, where are we?"

"In the subway, silly! Now let me catch my train... God, this earth is filled with lunatics."

The two officers stare at each other speechless when the beeper rings:
(voice from Kiras headset)
BEEP BEEP: officer Kira, this is Captain Janeway. I am beaming you up. ENERGY!!!

Lula's Story Story

Mushroom's Story
Try as the young duo Blue Bayou tried, they could never match the success or look of Linda Ronstadt's Living In The USA album.

Sar's Story
"Captain, I'm picking up a disturbance on Level 5", Spock dutifuly relayed to Captain Kirk.

"Yes, I see. Tell me, Mr. Spock, what do you make of these intruders?" Captain Kirk inquired.

Spock evenly replied, "According to my tri-corder readings, it would appear they are rebellious mineral fowl descendants."

"Oh," said Captain Kirk. "You mean they're punk rock chicks."

Mrs. Weirsdo's Story
Once the evil aliens known only as "P. S. 13," had infiltrated the ship's controls they were able to cause the entire crew to revert to adolescence, with disastrous results.
One of the first casualties was Deanna Troy, who pretended not to notice Picard, the handsome captain of the football team. She had never thought of him "that way" before, but now that he had hair again she was eaten up with jealousy of that witch, Beverly Crusher.
And although his android design rendered him immune to P. S. 13's dastardly bionic viral probes, even Commander Data could not escape their effects entirely. In the new, hormonally charged atmosphere, his circuits became clogged, and he was just barely equal to handing out suspensions to Warf, who kept trying to smuggle weapons into the "school."
Indeed all might have been lost, had not Lieutenant Riker, in his last few moments before acne claimed his once handsome features, created an unstoppable counterforce on the Holodeck. Fearlessly, the concerned parent brigade made their way to engineering, where they put the aliens to flight with threats of lawsuits and heavy damages. The parents then took over the controls themselves.
Captain's log, Stardate who cares? This is Liutenant Riker. I said I would do this for Picard, because he is just too "busy" dating two chicks at once. That guy really has it going on. I don't think being in ROTC is helping me at all!
Anyway, we are all SO bummed! We can't believe the parents took over OUR school! And they locked us out of the Holodeck! AND they said we're all going to be grounded! For no reason at all they are going to land this thing and make us all get therapy or something. This is so crazy and unfair.
Gotta go. There's a wild party on tonight, cuz the parents are all going to be at the PTA. The guys forgot to invite me, but I happen to know Warf is planning to go and make some trouble, and maybe I can crash it then and get cozy with D. T. while Warf keeps Picard busy. She is so hot! I wonder if it's true Empaths are better?
So wish me luck. I'm gonna boldly go where no man has gone before (well, o. k., maybe Picard).

Doug's Second Story
The goths on-board the Enterprise were the first sign that things were different in Starfleet Command. Soon, Nurse Chapel filed a sexual harassment complaint against Bones. He never touches me, she argued on the 1066sx form, he just leers and makes dry double-entendres. If he'd either fish or cut bait, I'd be happy.

Soon Uhuru and the Captain didn't need malicious telekinesis to kiss but couldn't keep their hands of each other and Chekov was chasing everything in a skirt and catching more than a few.

The crew no longer wore the same unisex clothes but broke into fashion cliques, with tight dresses and open collars the norm in some circles and demure sweaters and polo shirts gaining popularity in others.

There were goths and gangstas, men in leather and women in denim. All looking for action around every mote in God's sky. Nothing on the Enterprise was ever the same after the mission to Beta Gemini, when Sulu finally came out.

Enemy of the Republic's Story
"Beam Me Up, Scottie. The Klingons are trying to eat Dr. McCoy and me alive," barked Captain Kirk.
"Ah, no boss," Scottie replied.
"No!" bellowed Kirk. "I am issuing a direct order!"
"Ah, but there's a new order, now. My order!" The voice of Lt. Spock was sinister and vile.
"Spock," yelled Kirk. "I command you to allow Scottie to beam us aboard the Enterprise.
"Sorry, boss" said Scottie. "But with Mr. Spock now in charge, we get dental and Saturday nights off."
"What?" yelled Kirk. "Spock, you are making unrealistic demands in order to carry out your evil plan?"
"Yes,Captain. It's a logical strategy. I suggest you try it out on the Klingons before they nibble your big toe."

My Story
The siege continued into countless starweeks. It was becoming desperate. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty were locked in the bridge with Uhura, Nurse Chapel and Chekov, cowering in fear of the Alien Cliché roaming the decks of the Enterprise. Cabin fever and delirium had set in. Kirk kept pounding his fist on the console, shouting "This is my ship!" McCoy would blurt out "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic!" seemingly in no connection with anything relevant. Scotty was babbling on about the engines and Spock kept trying to wiggle his ears. Nurse Chapel quivered while Chekov stuttered passages of Tolstoy at her, and Uhuru sang nursery rhymes to Starfleet Command.

This was all preceded by the surprising arrival of the Cliché Alien right in the middle of Kirk's cabin. She had green eyes and olive-green skin, and antennas sprouting from her head. At first Kirk looked forward to some noncommittal kissing and petting, but then she began toning "I love you forever" with her sultry, spaced-out voice. He fled through the ship. Sulu, trying to protect his captain, barred her way, but she threw a kiss, vaporizing him into a green gas which she then inhaled. After 79 episodes of the original series, 178 of The Next Generation, and 98 of Enterprise, not to recall the forgettable Deep Space Nine and Voyager, 348 episodes in all, and ten movies, there were no options left. That's when the officers retreated to the bridge and locked themselves in. The Cliché Alien roamed the decks rattling off dialogue from badly dubbed Bollywood films.

Somewhere the good spirit of Gene Roddenberry observed all this and decided to intervene. He selected two girls from the planet Chaos-IV and beamed them across the galaxy onto the Enterprise. They took up their positions in one of the corridors, biding their time, waiting for the predictable appearance of the Cliché Alien. She approached them, arms outstretched, ready to initiate a tongue kiss. But it didn't come as she expected. In the moment before lips touched lips, the girls whipped out their erasers and rubbed the alien away. In her place stood Sulu, alive again and gracious recipient of their tongue caresses.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Spectators in Swimwear

Viruswitch's Story
"And the winner takes it all!" shouted the journalist from the speakers of the stadium.

Every year the citizens of the small city Maat held a tournament that included many water sports, in the open field they had built next to the beach. This was the established way to dissolve a long forgotten dispute between the two sides of the city. About 50 years ago, the Maatians had found out that they were far too many to fit in the small beach that their place had inherited from a nearby village that merged into their city. The only reason why the Maatians had insisted on the merge of the nearby village into their city, was so that they could use the beach as well. Their municipality was unfortunately doomed with no access to any source of water, since every city prohibited foreigners from bathing in their sea. The little village of Api seemed to be the only solution, or so the Maatians thought. Because immediately they found out that it was impossible for 15.000 people to enjoy a 1km beach. The citizens were frustrated, disappointed and restless, and the governor knew what these angry masses were capable of. So he split the city into two parts and established the nowadays well known tournaments of Maat. Two teams representing the two different parts of the city compete in the beginning of each summer season for access into water. When the games end, the citizens of the winning part of the city, being already dressed properly, jumb into the sea and dont get out until next summer arrives...

Doug's Story
The execution was to be held on August first. The line for tickets was a mile long, the day they went on sale. Every cafe and beauty salon and fashion boutique was abuzz with talk about the return of justice to the city. The judge was congratulated for his wisdom as death by lethal injection no longer captured the imagination and the talk of the town was that ordering the defendant burned at the stake was an inspired whimsy.

The timing however was not auspicious. The judge, in his wisdom, had ordered the sentence fulfilled between Thanksgiving and Christmas, a time when flame was appreciated. The Supreme Court had delayed the event and then gone into hiding, such was the uproar of the righteous. The lucky ones with tickets made the best of the situation dressing in bathing suits to keep cool and the warden graciously set up hoses to mist the fans.

To the disappointment of those gathered, however, a breeze exintguished the fire just as it wound its way along the condemned's ankles towards his knees. Under an ill-advised principle set by the sorry supreme court, the failed execution could not be repeated. The villain was taken from the arena and released. Fearing the wrath of the good citizens, the judge issued a second inspired decree. The burgers were supplied with balloons and the ensuing waterfight was remembered for decades by the cheerful denizens of Cincinnati.

Jamie Dawn's Story
People came from far and wide to witness the highly advertised "Cleavage Contest." Large chested women wearing push-up, underwire bikini tops crowded the stadium hoping to win the coveted thousand dollar prize money. Men crowded the place hoping to get an eye full. When the first group of contestants went on stage, the crowd didn't know what to make of it. Six large men lined up on stage. The announcer said, "Show your best cleavage!" The men turned their backs to the audience and bent over, exposing their "plumber" butt cracks.

Weirsdo's Story
Brad willed himself not to look round. No one must ever know. What had he been thinking? Was it possible to get that drunk and still--but his mind shied away from the horror.
He could feel her gimlet eyes boring removing his thin trunks, telegraphing memories of strange, naked wallowings he could only dimly remember, thank heaven.
Still, he could not deny that older women could teach him a thing or two. His synchronized swim routine had been inspired today.

Mushroom's Story
Edna and Martha didn't realize the swimsuit competition was intended for people under age 30 and under 150 pounds, so when they showed up ready to do battle, they discovered that they were the only older pudgier people in the entire arena.

At first they feared they'd come in dead last with all that young, nubile competition, but to their surprise there was a "least appealing" category that not surprisingly few of the youngsters applied to... and they won a year's supply of Mountain Dew.

Young at Heart in San Diego's Story
Déjà vu…that familiar feeling…the bright light, the out-of-focus fuzzy vision…where am I? It’s like that recurring dream, the one I have before school starts every year, where I am at school and I look down at my body and discover to my horror that I AM NAKED! Somehow I have come to school WITH NO CLOTHES ON! But this can’t be that dream, everybody here is only half-dressed. Why are they looking at me? I glance down. Bathing suit bottom, check, top, yes, fastened, nothing hanging out, good. But where are we? The gym? This is no pep rally. Yet the man down at the center of the court is calling for me to come down, please, and accept my award. People are pointing the way, motioning for me to follow them down, this way please. I stumble down the bleachers, trying to get a clue as to what I am doing here, what could I possible have done to be singled out by these strangers, and what am I expected to do when I get down there? I search the walls for banners, signs, anything that might give me a hint as to what this is all about. I step onto the ground and the crowd begins to clap and cheer. A woman is holding up a giant check for $100,000. The kind you can’t really cash, but the promise of cash is appealing to me, so I do not run for the exit door. “Tell us how you did it!” says the bald man who resembles Mr. Potato Head, while he reaches out to shake my hand. I think of the game I had been playing yesterday, where you list these words on paper:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
Then put a check mark every time you hear one of those words/phrases.
When you get five check marks, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
I turned towards the bleachers. My mouth suddenly began to spew these phrases, interspersed with some articles, adjectives, and prepositional phrases. The crowd went wild. Thunderous applause rang through the gym. Mr. Potato Head begins pumping my hand, and the Vanna-like woman with the giant check leads me towards a side door. I follow her, stumbling out towards the white light outside. The crowd is going crazy now. They are all on their feet, chanting my name. I wave as I exit into the warm hot summer, grab the mammoth check, and walk off towards the football field.

My Story
Ralph was a drinker. He drank considerable quantities of alcohol. He measured the extent of his intoxication on the basis of his hallucinations. One drink put the people around him into t-shirts and jogging pants. The second drink had them jogging around as they jiggled into swim trunks and bikinis. After the third drink people started arcing into the air and swimming around at eye level with Bob. Four drinks and Bob was swimming right along with them in a 60 proof sea of alcoholic splendor. But not today. They wouldn't have let him through the turnstiles in that kind of condition, due to the danger of spontaneous combustion when the lights switched on. What an idea it had been turning the coliseum into a mass tanning studio!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Boy in Water Watching Swimmer

Viruswitch's Story
The 65 year old Kevin had finally discovered the secret of eternal youth. All his life he had struggled to find out where on earth the secret source of the water of immortality lied. Now after his 10 year-quest, he was finally drinking from it. The source was actually a blue lagoon in the middle of an enormous desert somewhere in the American continent. There was only one small passage, a long cave that led into a vast area surrounded by waterfalls. “Nature’s private swimming pool” he thought when he gazed at it for the first time. The water that sprung on the lake from the waterfalls created a peculiar kind of mist that made it difficult for Kevin to find his way into the lake. The place was not at all quiet and tranquil as he had expected, all those 108 waterfalls composed a melody loud enough to be heard in heaven. But as soon as his grey hair became brown again and his old body restored the vitality of his past youth, his ears perceived the songs of sirens, fairylike creatures that dwell in the source. They all surrounded him and caressed his hair talking and laughing in a language he had never heard before. His last worry before he entered completely the world of the immortals was whether the waters or the sirens where the true source of his final eternal youth.

Susie Delp's Story
The high noon sun beat down upon Ben's slender torso, as he contemplated whether or not to jump one last time. After an hour of diving into the shimmering depths of the natural pool, he was tired, although somewhat rejuvinated. To stay and jump again could mean being late for work, but did he care? His dad tells him, "you're only young once" but his dad is a surf bum. The last thing he ever wanted to do was turn out like his old man.

Mom would be so mad at him if he messed up this new job, it had taken awhile for her to talk Sam into hiring him, and he knew how much his mom wanted him to get a car. Her job kept her away long hours, and when she did get home, she was exhausted. She couldn't drive him places anymore, and his friends were sick of giving him rides.

Bart popped up from the deep pool with a lopsided grin on his face. Ben decided not to jump. It didn't bode well with Bart, who was reckless and irresponsible. Ben didn't care. He never had cared what other people thought of him, and he didn't plan on starting now. He motioned for Bart to get out of the water, and headed back to the cool shade of the nearby trees. Just this once, he would try and do something right.

David Raphael Israel's Poem
Green tho pool was in those days
    & I were but a lad
flowed the water wonderous ways
    our afternoons grew glad

by the rills we'd wander idly
      diving in the stream
none explained : yet thought we mildly
      life's a kelly dream

who'd suppose nostalgia's net
      would capture sun in shade?
half-remember half-forget
      in memories I wade

gone are hills & done are rills
      distant now those times
none to share the song that fills
      my aching heart with rhymes

worlds appear & disappear
      who can plumb the secret?
kelly glade & lucent mere
      charmingly discomfit

waterfalls & city-sprawls
      humankind & nature
waking dreams of daffodils
      evenings passed at leisure

long appeared the microscopic
      reach of our then-future
now we grow indeed myopic
      baffled by time's measure

when we settle into stillness
      & the tale's done
kelly streams again befill us
      gleaming in what sun?

Green the pool was -- green in seeming
      idle though my gaze
I the fool was -- foolish dreaming
      through those liquid days

Jamie Dawn's Story
Waterfalls, fresh fruit, and no shirts allowed."
That's what the travel brochure advertised. Lance saved every penny to take this vacation. He would meet tons of ladies, and hopefully meet that special someone he'd been dreaming of. When he got there, he didn't see a single lady. He was surrounded by a bunch of guys who were in sore need of an Ab Flex. Lance wondered off by himself and found a secluded spot to swim. Then it hit him; the brochure was put out by a company called "Queen Trips," and it all made sense. There was plenty of "fresh fruit," just as advertised.

DLAK's Story
Once upon a time a small dog farted. The cat, disgusted, stuck his tail in the air and walked away shaking his head. As he walked away he loked over his shoulder and said "Fucking dogs".

My Story
One night while enjoying the warmth of their campfire, Tim and Tony decided to go amphibian and take over the world of the mermaids they knew to thrive in the lagoon. To reign over such minions! To be masters over the realm of Aquarian pleasures! The multi-fathomed lagoon was fed on one side by a torrid waterfall whose long tongues suavely licked it into sublimity. Along crept the boys to the shore side of the pool. The half-human creatures huddled anxiously below the surface, considering their defense against the coming attack. Tony struck the water first. The mermaidens, experts in seduction, decorated him with droplets of lake dew, dissolving him into a girl. As Tim perceived the change an entirely new plan of conquest entered his mind.