Thursday, December 22, 2005

Girls in Corridor

Doug's First Story
The labyrinth was long. Sara and Analisa met just inside the entrance.
"How did we get here?" Sara asked.
"I don't know either," Analisa answered.
"Me either, it's funny the last thing I remember I was with my boyfriend, Jason, he's so cute. We met at a rave for the football team and cheerleading squad. He doesn't even dye his hair. It's that black!..."
"Maybe we should walk along this corridor a while and see where it goes."
The pair started walking and by the third step, Sara offered "My ex-boyfriend, Johnny? What a dork. I'm totally over him. He was my boyfriend last summer before I met Jason. Thank god for small favors, you know? Johnny and me went to this movie once it was, like, totally freaky. You know, sci-fi or something? Whatever. These people were all running up and down corridors like this one? I mean, totally. It was like 'boop-boop intruder-alert! Intruder alert!" and they would run around with lazer guns and stuff acting all serious and everything, do you think we'll find like people with lazer guns in here?"
Analisa prayed that this was Logan's Run and not No Exit.

Viruswitch's Story
Kira is discussing loudly with "Seven of Nine" in the middle of a spaceship-corridor.

"Astrometric officer, this doesnt look like the "Voyager" corridor!"

"Correct, officer Kira, the spaceship looks ancient and abandonded. Even Deep space 9 is out of the question."

"Great, Kes chose the wrong time-space-continuum to beam us into. What are we going to do now?"

"I dont know. Lets just figure out the currect stardate anyway. There must be some kind of indication somewhere around here!"

"You know, this could be the "Enterprize". Just look at these ugly walls, dont they remind you something from the culture of the earth?"

"Your Bajoran intelligence astonishes me Kira, but I have served on the Enterprize, and this surely doesnt look like it. Where the hell is Earth anyway?"

"Oh well, forget it, we werent even born when they destroyed it."

"I am hearing steps, a hologram is coming. I will inquire the exact galaxial location!"

"Computer! Name our coordinates. "

"What? Who are you? Are you talking to me?"

"Computer, where are we?"

"In the subway, silly! Now let me catch my train... God, this earth is filled with lunatics."

The two officers stare at each other speechless when the beeper rings:
(voice from Kiras headset)
BEEP BEEP: officer Kira, this is Captain Janeway. I am beaming you up. ENERGY!!!

Lula's Story Story

Mushroom's Story
Try as the young duo Blue Bayou tried, they could never match the success or look of Linda Ronstadt's Living In The USA album.

Sar's Story
"Captain, I'm picking up a disturbance on Level 5", Spock dutifuly relayed to Captain Kirk.

"Yes, I see. Tell me, Mr. Spock, what do you make of these intruders?" Captain Kirk inquired.

Spock evenly replied, "According to my tri-corder readings, it would appear they are rebellious mineral fowl descendants."

"Oh," said Captain Kirk. "You mean they're punk rock chicks."

Mrs. Weirsdo's Story
Once the evil aliens known only as "P. S. 13," had infiltrated the ship's controls they were able to cause the entire crew to revert to adolescence, with disastrous results.
One of the first casualties was Deanna Troy, who pretended not to notice Picard, the handsome captain of the football team. She had never thought of him "that way" before, but now that he had hair again she was eaten up with jealousy of that witch, Beverly Crusher.
And although his android design rendered him immune to P. S. 13's dastardly bionic viral probes, even Commander Data could not escape their effects entirely. In the new, hormonally charged atmosphere, his circuits became clogged, and he was just barely equal to handing out suspensions to Warf, who kept trying to smuggle weapons into the "school."
Indeed all might have been lost, had not Lieutenant Riker, in his last few moments before acne claimed his once handsome features, created an unstoppable counterforce on the Holodeck. Fearlessly, the concerned parent brigade made their way to engineering, where they put the aliens to flight with threats of lawsuits and heavy damages. The parents then took over the controls themselves.
Captain's log, Stardate who cares? This is Liutenant Riker. I said I would do this for Picard, because he is just too "busy" dating two chicks at once. That guy really has it going on. I don't think being in ROTC is helping me at all!
Anyway, we are all SO bummed! We can't believe the parents took over OUR school! And they locked us out of the Holodeck! AND they said we're all going to be grounded! For no reason at all they are going to land this thing and make us all get therapy or something. This is so crazy and unfair.
Gotta go. There's a wild party on tonight, cuz the parents are all going to be at the PTA. The guys forgot to invite me, but I happen to know Warf is planning to go and make some trouble, and maybe I can crash it then and get cozy with D. T. while Warf keeps Picard busy. She is so hot! I wonder if it's true Empaths are better?
So wish me luck. I'm gonna boldly go where no man has gone before (well, o. k., maybe Picard).

Doug's Second Story
The goths on-board the Enterprise were the first sign that things were different in Starfleet Command. Soon, Nurse Chapel filed a sexual harassment complaint against Bones. He never touches me, she argued on the 1066sx form, he just leers and makes dry double-entendres. If he'd either fish or cut bait, I'd be happy.

Soon Uhuru and the Captain didn't need malicious telekinesis to kiss but couldn't keep their hands of each other and Chekov was chasing everything in a skirt and catching more than a few.

The crew no longer wore the same unisex clothes but broke into fashion cliques, with tight dresses and open collars the norm in some circles and demure sweaters and polo shirts gaining popularity in others.

There were goths and gangstas, men in leather and women in denim. All looking for action around every mote in God's sky. Nothing on the Enterprise was ever the same after the mission to Beta Gemini, when Sulu finally came out.

Enemy of the Republic's Story
"Beam Me Up, Scottie. The Klingons are trying to eat Dr. McCoy and me alive," barked Captain Kirk.
"Ah, no boss," Scottie replied.
"No!" bellowed Kirk. "I am issuing a direct order!"
"Ah, but there's a new order, now. My order!" The voice of Lt. Spock was sinister and vile.
"Spock," yelled Kirk. "I command you to allow Scottie to beam us aboard the Enterprise.
"Sorry, boss" said Scottie. "But with Mr. Spock now in charge, we get dental and Saturday nights off."
"What?" yelled Kirk. "Spock, you are making unrealistic demands in order to carry out your evil plan?"
"Yes,Captain. It's a logical strategy. I suggest you try it out on the Klingons before they nibble your big toe."

My Story
The siege continued into countless starweeks. It was becoming desperate. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty were locked in the bridge with Uhura, Nurse Chapel and Chekov, cowering in fear of the Alien Cliché roaming the decks of the Enterprise. Cabin fever and delirium had set in. Kirk kept pounding his fist on the console, shouting "This is my ship!" McCoy would blurt out "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic!" seemingly in no connection with anything relevant. Scotty was babbling on about the engines and Spock kept trying to wiggle his ears. Nurse Chapel quivered while Chekov stuttered passages of Tolstoy at her, and Uhuru sang nursery rhymes to Starfleet Command.

This was all preceded by the surprising arrival of the Cliché Alien right in the middle of Kirk's cabin. She had green eyes and olive-green skin, and antennas sprouting from her head. At first Kirk looked forward to some noncommittal kissing and petting, but then she began toning "I love you forever" with her sultry, spaced-out voice. He fled through the ship. Sulu, trying to protect his captain, barred her way, but she threw a kiss, vaporizing him into a green gas which she then inhaled. After 79 episodes of the original series, 178 of The Next Generation, and 98 of Enterprise, not to recall the forgettable Deep Space Nine and Voyager, 348 episodes in all, and ten movies, there were no options left. That's when the officers retreated to the bridge and locked themselves in. The Cliché Alien roamed the decks rattling off dialogue from badly dubbed Bollywood films.

Somewhere the good spirit of Gene Roddenberry observed all this and decided to intervene. He selected two girls from the planet Chaos-IV and beamed them across the galaxy onto the Enterprise. They took up their positions in one of the corridors, biding their time, waiting for the predictable appearance of the Cliché Alien. She approached them, arms outstretched, ready to initiate a tongue kiss. But it didn't come as she expected. In the moment before lips touched lips, the girls whipped out their erasers and rubbed the alien away. In her place stood Sulu, alive again and gracious recipient of their tongue caresses.


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