Saturday, January 28, 2006

Two Old Men Playing Chess

Mushroom's Story
Man Fuchu and his friend Ed Gruberman, the Ti Kwan Leep monk, played chess every Tuesday. They'd have a friendly game of draughts in the monk's cloister, next to the fire, and the prize was the same every week: the winner would get to spend the week in town, the loser would put on the cowl and be a sedentary mendicant for the week. This worked out well for both of them; Ed got to go out drinking and carrousing, Fuchu got to spend time around nude holy men in the stone shower room. The monks were never aware of the swap, and any who might have figured something couldn't say anything due to their vows of silence and of chastity. Fuchu's wife thought the arrangement was just fine, but the more feast-or-famine it became for her after dark she decided she should give Ed a book on Bobby Fischer's strategies.

Jamie Dawn's Story
Forced to play chess in this small room for centuries, the men knew they were in hell. Why hadn't they been better men? Why had they repeatedly cheated to win? They thought no one was watching. They thought no one would ever know what they'd done. In life, they'd been champions. Now, they were forced to play by the rules for all eternity.

Viruswitch's Father
"The great scientists are currently making an interval from their succesful efforts related to scientific discoveries. They have been researching the transformation of the human DNA and are on the verge of a great discovery that might deserve the Nobel. Now, satisfied and tired from the good results they achieved, are enjoying a chess game to help them continue their work with a clearer mind."

Viruswitch's Story
The kings of the New Lands had discovered a new way to train their armies and transfom the youth of their nations into mighty military units. The Game was invented. Parents were anticipating to bring their children to the public game-academies hoping that they would bring glory and fame to their family. They were the new heros, the knights of freedom and the keepers of peace, the hope of the New Lands. Since ages had they been serving an unknown and unseen dynast. But now the rules had changed; a new way had been discovered to win the fatal chess wars. Now real people joined the battlefields, shrinked as billions of pawns, rooks and bishops, cutting and chopping their enemies into small pieces. The unseen king gradually lost his power over the black and white landscapes and finally exploded revealing his real identity. He had been a computer!

After a thousand years, chess is still the most popular game in the New Lands, even if most have forgotten its true origin.

The Taorist's Story
Kunichua San
Jose plays in front of the
mirror universe

Young at Heart in San Diego's Story
Karl and Bo were tired of football and it was too cold to go fishing. "Let's get high", Karl suggested, and it was decided. Rather than eat the magic mushrooms all at once, they would use them as game pieces. As soon as you captured one of your opponent's men, you would swallow it down like a jagged little pill. The problem was that it was a difficult game and there were too many pieces. Soon, after the first few pawns were swallowed, Bo realized that the room had changed. His jeans had morphed into a flowing robe and the hair on his head appeared to have vanished. Although his goatee was still in place, it felt strangely coarser. Suddenly he was tired of this game. "Let’s go crack the DaVinci code," he suddenly exclaimed, and it was decided.

Enemy of the Republic's Story
Man is walking on the beach. Death comes up to him and says: "Long have I been by your side." Man answers: "Hey, I just fought 10 years in the stupid Crusades, killing Muslims and Jews in the name of Christ. Don't I get any respect?" Death says: "I am not a respecter of persons." Man says: "Okay, tell you what, I'll play you a game of chess. If you win, I die. If I win, you die." Death answered:"That is easy enough because I am already dead. You are setting yourself up for certain failure." Man answers: "Naah, I don't think so. So what color do you want. Don't tell me--BLACK!"

The game continues for 8 weeks. Soon the Man is only left with his King, while Death still has his Queen, two Rooks, a Bishop, a knight and 4 pawns. It doesn't look good. Suddenly Man yells out: "CHECKMATE, motherfucker." Death says:" You are insane. In the next move, your king will be mine." Man answers: "I knew you would say that." He gets up and falls on his sword. Death chortles.

So who won the game?

My Story
Contrary to popular belief the origins of chess are not Indian, Persian or Chinese. The game was devised on the planet Chaos-IV as a means for the two co-rulers to govern the unmanageable planet. After centuries of fierce and brutal warfare between factions of rigid traditionalism and adherents to radical unorthodoxy, wiser councils in the planet's population prevailed with a shrewd concept to bring both sides together, save the planet, and encourage the spirit of competition. The heads of state, the two ablest minds the respective factions had to offer, would play a game of chess to ascertain ruling decision. If the traditionalist won, the decision would be his. If the unorthodox ruler achieved checkmate, he would make the decision. In the event of a stalemate, a synthesis of both points-of-view established policy. This method provided the balance necessary for the planet to not only survive, but held the drawbacks of each approach in check. In practice it proved to have one limitation. Chess games could be excruciatingly long. If an urgent situation required snap judgment the two venerable leaders dispensed with the chess and flipped a coin.

Monday, January 23, 2006

An Eye

The Taorist's Story
Khunliar: Are my eyes ok?

Tunisia: Yes, yes. Now don't fret! The camara is a bit old and sensitive, you know?

K: Try as I might, the camera is "magnated" to my eyelashes.

T: Magnated? Is that a word? Is that a scrabble made up word or something?

K: You take it as it is buddy.

T: Well, since it is "magnated" to your erstwhile eyelashes, I might as well take a shot of it.

K: No! You take my soul white man!

T: I'm hispanic. Just not much in the sun, you know?

K: Hispanic-Albino.

T: H freaking A

K: You should get it on with a girl. A werewolf girl.

T: Hypertrichosis.

K: Yeah, Hyperwatushis. You'd get a hispanic-albino-werewolf.

T: That's a new class of racism, you know? Not only are you mocking me but also the werewolf race.

K: I just noticed something.

T: What?

K: You say "you know?" too much.

T: ...

Monster Spank's Story
come closer.
closer still.
ok, hold it.
don't move.
now, go away.

come back.
yes, here.

The Alien Guy's Story
It is so often difficult for me to understand the humans of your planet -- Earth. I have noticed that when I am on your planet, I see only small details and parts of your world. Not the whole picture. It is similar to "not being able to see the forest for the trees" as you say. I get so wrapped up in the smaller parts and become confused about what you are really like. When I see a human and look at the face, I see only specific details such as the eye. And I cannot grasp the whole facial expression to determine the inflection of the gesticulation. The meaning of what you are all about is obscured. Yet I have heard that many of you humans are very much like this, too.

Viruswitch's Story
At first, she thought that the conjurer of cheap tricks had dragged her into the world of sleep. But all of a sudden, a great eye filled her whole field of vision and she shivered.

The lidless eye had conquered her, it knew every hidden corner of her mind, it knew all her fears and passions. IT was all-seeing and she felt naked.

She realised that she was viewing her own reflection through the conjurer's eyes. He had promised that this magical hop would have opened the gate to his soul, and yet what she saw was an ugly mirror of her own true self. It was the final and last honest confrontation of her life.

Garnet's Story
I felt so small. Just a few hours earlier she had cried on my lap as I comforted her in her loss. I began to think how vulnerable people are after such betrayal. No one deserved to be left behind, left without recourse. Yet she held on to the goodness of their love. I envied her that faith.

I began to wonder if my confidence was as unshakeable as I had always believed. I rarely got hurt because I always jumped in last, waiting for the others to test the waters first. That way I learned from their mistakes.

Just last week she had come to me distraught at the state of her relationship to him. I listened. Then when he called me to talk about her fragility, I pointed out how neurotic she seemed, getting so upset about the demise of a 5 year love affair. It's not the end of the world after all! He listened, and moved out the next day.

Now, as she looked at me with those big brown eyes, waiting for my advice on how to cope, I felt puny.

My Story
All of a sudden it became light, physically and metaphorically. The light streaming through his pupil caused the iris to squeeze in around the tiny black opening. Also he remembered. So this was reincarnation. It was like in those "Tales from the Crypt" comics he used to read. He and Angie were madly in love, but her husband stood in the way. They schemed in secret to do away with him, the perfect murder. They would lure him into the basement with the sound of their lovemaking. All he had to do was open the door to the romper room and the bowl of sulphuric acid would spill over him, causing his head to dissolve. Unfortunately Angie's husband did not open the door. He crashed in through the cellar window, rushing at them with an axe. Brad and Angie, overwhelmed by the unexpected variation, scurried frantically to the prepared door. It finished them. The husband did get a few splashes of acid in his face, which ruined his eyes, but he was sped to the clinic, and - in a spectacular operation - given new eyes. One glance in the mirror and it became insightfully clear to Brad. He had been reincarnated as the eye of his intended victim. And what's more, as he looked into the mirror before the survivor's face, he could clearly see the other eye. It was Angie.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Girls with Viewmasters

Jamie Dawn's Story
The three girls were cute and they knew it. They always acted so cool. Jewel never was accepted by them, and they pretty much shunned her. Jewel knew the girls always hung out at Raley's Bar and tried to pick up guys. Jewel walked over to their table and handed them each a View Master telling them to look through the viewer to see nude pictures of Orlando Bloom. The girls grabbed the cameras and pushed them up to their faces. Little did they know that Jewel had put Super Glue around the viewer and on the sides where their hands were. The three "cool" girls weren't so cool that night!

Mushroom's Story
No matter how Stephanie, Bethany, and Tiffani tried, they still couldn't find any dimension in the boys around them; like with the View-Masters, they'd pull the boys' handles then advance to the next scene. Which was ironic because the males who met them thought the three had the same qualities as View-Master slides -- they were the same image from slightly different angles, creating an illusion of depth, and most of their material was from Disney.

The Taorist's Story

They have been cursed by the Techno goddess, Jenny. They sinned against Her by entering a forbidden website--the 404. When Jenny found out, she programmed Her wiki to do the unthinkable....

Using nanotechnology bruhahaha, the wiki grafted the hell view masters to their faces. The girls are now forced to see the world through blurry-eyed glasses.

As a natural evolutionary process, they have glowing eyes and an ever smiling face.

They will then roam the world for the next 1 year and 27 days. After which, the accursed items will fall off and their eyes will return to abnormality.


Still Life's Story
It was the newest drug craze amongst teens, a real visionary trip disguised in a Viewmaster. Relatively easy to get your hands on and at only five dollars a pop, affordable.

Everybody knew that all you had to do was go to Luigi's Pizza and ask for Victor, the tall skinny kid with the bad acne who worked in the kitchen, slip him a five spot and in less than ten minutes you were high. As you held the Viewmaster up to your face it was imperative that you not blink so that the drug could enter directly into the pupil (many a drug was wasted running down some kid's cheeks who could not hold the mandatory stare).

The trip was similar to doing mushrooms without the terrible taste but with all the vivid hallucinations and lasted about two to three hours. Once the teens got their fix they would usually go out to the parking lot, sit in their cars and remain for the rest of the evening running their hands along the upholstery and tires. The only drawback to "visioning", as the kids called it, was that you couldn't wear your contacts and were forced to look like a nerd in your glasses when driving home.

Blog This' Story
what followed was wrong. so wrong. each smile faded as each girl realized the figure she focused on was her own image. that the blood each saw was her own. that the exposed flesh was hers. they all stared into the pictures for a very long time, wondering how, wondering why, then wondering when. and when they stumbled into this, just when this might happen, they each became afraid to look away, afraid of what lie on the other side of the lense, afraid to look at the face before them. and though they heard the scrape of chair legs across the floor, and the heavy foot fall moving in, they could not look away because it was easier then to look at what they would become rather than the thing, the event itself. and they reached to touch one another, waiting, feeling the blood warm in the palm of their hands

Miles to Go's Story
The wheel chair struck the end of the door. Bill O' Arrf. winced in pain. The pain from the stump of his leg spun around his head hitting every nerve and touching the vacant leg, his flesh no longer there.

Bill is the head of the vaunted "No Spinning Around" think tank and he'd been aghast at the reports trending the drop in his propaganda for the past year. However, this time he's thrilled. This distraction has dulled his sense of direction as the room whirls around and past him while he heads toward his desk. He is too focused to see ahead of him.

His new brain child though late in delivery is beginning to take hold and it is creating a sensation! Everyone wants one but to have one, they must join in his club. The device: lips that enable you to kiss derriere without fear! The break through are four fold: the special skin, eyes, lips and brains cloned from Reed Richards, Ted Williams, Louie Armstrong and Tom Delayed. Once attached, one can pull the lips to your eyes and see the results of the kissed derriere. No more second guessing if one kissed A$$ well or if the A$$ kissing has been effective! It's a boon a breakthrough! It has begun to reach cult status. In clubhouses like the one where these are girls shown here, people everywhere have begun to join this new phenomenon newly coin by Katie Couric as The Society for and about "Kissing Moon".

Young at Heart in San Diego's Story
Smell-o-vision, it was called. The newest craze to hit the teen world, and the girls just had to try it. It was the hottest trip, especially for the terminally weight-conscious crowd. Just think, a device that would let you see your favorite foods up close and personal, in 4-D, with their aromas filling your very essence. Who would ever need to eat again? Oh, to experience hot fudge, caramel, pizza with the greasiest of toppings and melted cheese, without the slightest bit of remorse or indigestion afterwards! "We are sooo there," the girls shouted as they donned their headgear and plugged in to the hard drive at their table. Such a bargain, only 50 Euros for an hour! Buy 2, get the 3rd one free! Soon the slideshow would begin. They had all decided to start with the dessert theme. Having starved themselves for the last 2 weeks, they had lost their taste for protein anyhow, and all three were craving the sight and smell of chocolate. Then the montage of slippery, creamy melted goodness assaulted their eyes and noses. They began to swoon from ecstasy, drool dribbling down their chins, perspiration dotting their arms and foreheads. Within 20 minutes, their comatose bodies lay slumped into their chairs, quivering and covered with goosebumps. That was the moment the bartender had been watching for. With the flick of a finger he pressed the secret trap door button that opened up and slid the girls in a secret chamber below, where he would extract the chemicals from their brains to continue his evil experiments.

Viruswitch's Story
The world had changed. The suns of all solar systems collapsed under their own gravity. Humans managed to retain their humanity but evolution was after them. They lost their eyes in the absence of light and developed super sensors that perceived electromagnetic waves and quantums. Instead of the beauty of the world they only saw particles of dust flowing in the air. At least now they could "see" the heat, the electricity and the emotions of their friends.

My Story
It was slow that evening so they whipped out their eyetops and began counting blogs. The first one to fall asleep would buy the next round. Usually they all fell asleep at the same time, so nobody bought. Those eyetop thingies were a cool rage. You plopped one up against your face and looked into the Internet at whatever you wanted, then clicked it with a blink of the eyes. If you had that chip accessory planted in your brain you could even blog and surf at the same time. You just imagined your rant, and voila! - it was a post. This saved valuable time for parties and socializing and other real-life events, if you could find them. Real-life events had become pretty scarce since the eyetops came around, and if the girls did find a place to meet boys, none ever showed up, because the boys themselves were too busy surfing and blogging, the new eternal cycle of life.

But then the girls had an idea to liven things up. They shot a meme into the Internet, and gazed expectantly through the viewing devices to see what would happen:

1) List your four favorite memes.
2) Add this meme as your fifth favorite.
3) Send these instructions to ten of your friends.
4) Work through the five memes, following each instruction to the letter.

They watched as the Internet imploded. Blog after blog vanished like a vacuum-filled soap bubble. It was so much fun. They would definitely have to blog about this later.