Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Tina Dupuy

Tina Dupuy (one of the funniest ladies in the world) contributed this photo. Thanks Tina!

Scottish Toodler's Story
I had for many years been trying to escape the life cycle I had been forced into. Sometimes, when one is able to be exceptionally forgiving or exceptionally helpful, one's life cycle is reassigned. This was my case.

I had at one time been an ordinary dog, and I had loved my master and mistress very much. Like all dogs I did not know anything about their lives or their "goodness" beyond what was extended to me.

I had been the last dog that the mistress has held before she swallowed her fateful pills, and the last dog that the master had ruffled the fur of, and then smoothed back into place a few times. I'd wanted to rest my head against the master's knee, but he'd pushed me away, and then shot himself. He did not have the patience of my mistress to wait for the pills to do their work.

Later, some of us had been fostered, but we were always moving and eventually I died of dehydration, after one of my later adopted owners had been executed and never returned to his home. It was at that time that I was summoned to the on-going Tribunal of my mistress.

Almost nothing had been left of my first master and mistress that could be redeemed. Even the normally neutral Tribunal had been unable to comprehend the atrocities my owners had unleashed upon the earth, and how deeply the master had altered humanity.

In fact, the only thing that the Tribunal could find on which to try either of them was their affection for my species. And because I had been the last one they had touched, I had been summoned from my sweet and undisturbed sleep.

I'd spent the next two of my lifetimes as one of two rottweilers owned by a nice (non-practicing) Jewish couple in North America. The other rottweiler was my former mistress. Next I accompanied her as one of two shepard dogs owned by a half Turkish, half german, lesbian living just outside of Berlin. And so on, and so forth.

Today, I had finally made my escape. This couple, quite bland in appearance, are intellectuals and avid students of the Holocaust. Because they bear such a horror not just of the master, but of the mistress also, she must suffer their affection as the lightest of her many eternal sentences.

I, however, having learned her true nature, have asked the Tribunal on each occasion of my death, to release me from this contract. I have asked to return to the loyal and loving ignorance of a regular dog. Each time I have been refused.

Caught again, I can only hope my story will inspire other canine's to love more wisely and not as well. Not just for being bound to such a mistress beyond one lifetime, but also, because I cannot bear the little sweaters the woman keeps knitting for me. This is the only photograph of me where I am not wearing one, and only because I'd been able to escape. Alas, not far enough...My torture as Eva Braun's companion continues.


Mushroom's Story
Buster was a lucky pup, sure, but cleaning his tracheotomy required two people -- one to hold his head up and body still, and another to do the work. His barks were almost comical.

Doug's Story
Arnie the 2x4 had lain on a lot of sidewalks. He'd fallen off any number of shabby constructions, most recently the scaffold the window washer was standing on. It was a life of endless slapstick comedy and he wouldn't have traded it for anything. As the young couple made jokes at the expense of the fallen corpse and scratched their dog, Arnie wondered where next a man would call on him for support.

Sylphidine's Story
Amigo was no ordinary dog. Even as a puppy it was clear that he wasn't like the other dogs, but it took some time before he was able to use his special powers. It wasn't easy living with these gifts, nevertheless he was chosen and he was conscious of the utmost importance of his task. But he still considered it unfair that he had to save the world in secret - Superman, Batman, even Underdog all had their costumes and were recognized and celebrated as superheros. The only recognition he received was for fetching sticks. The hugs from Sally & Billy were pleasant, but the fact that he just destroyed a fleet of invading aliens from outer space with his laser eyes, thereby saving the world from Armaggedon, remained one of the secrets that he had to live with in his modesty. Who says that the life of a superhero has to be glamerous? That only happens in movies.

My Story
The new reality sitcom was one of those brilliant ideas Tina thought up in her sleep. She dangled dozens of miniature Webcams from a fleet of helium-filed balloons that followed her around wherever she went. She brought her boyfriend Brian along as a living laugh track so that the comically-challenged would know when to laugh. Her dog Clyde played straight man, though he was quite a sit-up comedian in his private life. He sometimes disappeared for days on end, doing shows at pounds and other benefits, and occasionally rescuing cats trapped in trees, just like his hero Lassi would have done. Apart from being funny, the show had everything that an artfully lived real life could offer: drama, love, poignancy and great sex. It won dozens of Emmys, which Clyde invariably buried in Tina's back yard. The series was cancelled 11 seasons into its run, after global warming popped all the balloons. That's 77 in dog years.


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